Decisions, Decisions…

Published 30 August, 2012 by ladyem83

Am I stubborn? Am I a fraud?  Am I in denial? Am I a coward?

I know I’m tired of thinking.  I’m so tired of the two personae who are occupying my mind and I wonder whether either of them is actually the ‘real me’.  I just can’t figure this out.

My dietician has queried whether I’m able to overcome this at home or whether I would benefit more from being admitted to a specialist eating disorder unit to get the support I need.

For weeks, deep down a part of me has been wanting inpatient treatment.  I was jealous (!) of a girl I heard of who had gone to America to get the treatment she needed.  But why do I want inpatient treatment?  Because I’m not sure whether I am capable of making the decisions around food that need to be made if I’m to gain weight.  I am so uncomfortable with anything that falls outside my list of safe foods so I won’t entertain the thought of putting them inside me.  Even today I’m querying whether I’ve been greedy by having an apple as an afternoon snack, which is ridiculous! It’s fruit, not a king size Mars Bar!!

On the ‘inside’, so to speak, I would have no choice over the food I eat or don’t.  I often feel that I need permission to eat something that is out of my comfort zone.  I have to think carefully about it, know its nutritional value and be able to justify eating it.  I would be handing control over to them and they would give me the permission that I can’t give myself.

So that would be good for me.  I would have support, I would learn and re-learn.

But, then again, on the ‘inside’ I have no control.  There are foods that I just don’t want to eat.  I want the foods that are on my clean, safe list. And I promise, the list is varied, I even tried a couple of spoonfuls of haggis the other week! (Yes, I’m a haggis lover! I don’t dwell on its ingredients and you most likely won’t agree with me, but it’s tasty!)

I think that I’m eating sufficient to keep myself going. Granted, ‘Bringing me Back: Part I Get Serious’ is evidence to the contrary. But what will happen if I loose all my control (perceived control)? Well, I know what will happen, I’ve written it here.  So why, when I re-read that is it like reading the words of somebody else?  Why over the last few days can I only think that if I hand my control over I will let slip of everything I have, everything I know.  The rug will be yanked from underneath me and I will go hurtling downwards.

I also worry that I’m not sufficiently ‘ill’ to warrant being an inpatient.  I’ve read accounts of others who suffer so very much, who struggle infinitely more than I do.  They warrant that support, I really don’t think I do.  I think I can get by as I am.

I read of others who are battling this.  They’re trying hard. Am I really trying hard? I don’t think so.  I think I’m staying in my comfort zone because I’m a coward.  Where do they find the strength to push themselves out of their comfort zones? Why am I so weak?

It’s so confusing.  I’m so confused.  I can’t straighten my thoughts out.  I can’t find that single decisive common voice in me which I can trust and act on.  For every single thought I have there is a counter argument which is seems equally as rational.

I don’t know where to go from here.  I really don’t.

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3 comments on “Decisions, Decisions…

  • Gorgeous, I know and understand how difficult the journey you are on is.. I also know the mind games that the eating disorder plays. The “thoughts” about ‘not being sick enough to warrant treatment’ to ‘what will happen if I give up my control’ are like a record player. Playing in nearly every persons mind who has an eating disorder. Of course the ED is going to tell you all sorts of things – it is frightened of your strength – of you actually thinking about going to get inpatient care – of you thinking of challenging the behaviours. It’s scared of YOU becoming more powerful ; of gaining more and more strength. And it OUGHT to be scared – because this is not your destiny. You deserve to live a life free from this torment; you deserve freedom my dear. Listen to your heart- trust your intuition – your inner knowing. Because it knows what will set you free. Not the ED. The ED only has one thing in mind. And you don’t deserve that.

    The world needs you LadyEm.

    I believe in you. Xxxx

  • Two words. Do it. It will help, I promise. But it will be hard. You want to get better, but you are finding it really difficult.. Because it is. So don’t refuse the extra help. Grab it. Good luck. And thank you for the kind words on my blog today. If you take this help, I will find time for a bubble bath every day!

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