Am I stubborn? Am I a fraud? Am I in denial? Am I a coward?
I know I’m tired of thinking. I’m so tired of the two personae who are occupying my mind and I wonder whether either of them is actually the ‘real me’. I just can’t figure this out.
My dietician has queried whether I’m able to overcome this at home or whether I would benefit more from being admitted to a specialist eating disorder unit to get the support I need.
For weeks, deep down a part of me has been wanting inpatient treatment. I was jealous (!) of a girl I heard of who had gone to America to get the treatment she needed. But why do I want inpatient treatment? Because I’m not sure whether I am capable of making the decisions around food that need to be made if I’m to gain weight. I am so uncomfortable with anything that falls outside my list of safe foods so I won’t entertain the thought of putting them inside me. Even today I’m querying whether I’ve been greedy by having an apple as an afternoon snack, which is ridiculous! It’s fruit, not a king size Mars Bar!!
On the ‘inside’, so to speak, I would have no choice over the food I eat or don’t. I often feel that I need permission to eat something that is out of my comfort zone. I have to think carefully about it, know its nutritional value and be able to justify eating it. I would be handing control over to them and they would give me the permission that I can’t give myself.
So that would be good for me. I would have support, I would learn and re-learn.
But, then again, on the ‘inside’ I have no control. There are foods that I just don’t want to eat. I want the foods that are on my clean, safe list. And I promise, the list is varied, I even tried a couple of spoonfuls of haggis the other week! (Yes, I’m a haggis lover! I don’t dwell on its ingredients and you most likely won’t agree with me, but it’s tasty!)
I think that I’m eating sufficient to keep myself going. Granted, ‘Bringing me Back: Part I Get Serious’ is evidence to the contrary. But what will happen if I loose all my control (perceived control)? Well, I know what will happen, I’ve written it here. So why, when I re-read that is it like reading the words of somebody else? Why over the last few days can I only think that if I hand my control over I will let slip of everything I have, everything I know. The rug will be yanked from underneath me and I will go hurtling downwards.
I also worry that I’m not sufficiently ‘ill’ to warrant being an inpatient. I’ve read accounts of others who suffer so very much, who struggle infinitely more than I do. They warrant that support, I really don’t think I do. I think I can get by as I am.
I read of others who are battling this. They’re trying hard. Am I really trying hard? I don’t think so. I think I’m staying in my comfort zone because I’m a coward. Where do they find the strength to push themselves out of their comfort zones? Why am I so weak?
It’s so confusing. I’m so confused. I can’t straighten my thoughts out. I can’t find that single decisive common voice in me which I can trust and act on. For every single thought I have there is a counter argument which is seems equally as rational.
I don’t know where to go from here. I really don’t.