The following paragraph was written following some reflection. My initial draft of this posting was called ‘One Step Forward, Two Steps Back’ and included the content in both those now separately entitled posts.
However, after some time out I returned for a re-read and, as always made a few tweaks. As I was reading I remembered the positivity I felt from lunch with A on Saturday and how happy I’d felt. There was a dawning realization in me which consequently resulted in me splitting the posts into two and ending with on this note.
If nothing else, the today’s three posts make patently clear the utterly exhausting rollercoaster ride of emotions and thoughts that is Anorexia.
The following paragraph tells of my tentative steps out of the darkness of the last three days into today’s soft glow.
I am determined to use the memory of lunch with A as a weapon to fight Ana. Anorexia is made up of such a tangled, horrible web of emotions, misconceptions and conflicting thoughts. I can try to ‘talk’ to Ana, to offer up ‘rationale thinking’ but she always comes back with emotions and feelings. My stomach knots itself and leaps, my legs tremble, my heart thumps faster. Her evil wrath is tangible and physically and mentally hurts me so deeply.
So, I’ll fight fire with fire. I’ll match Ana’s emotional wrath with my emotional positivity and optimism. For every negative feeling Ana attacks me with, I’ll put up my shield. My shield of positive emotions!
My shield is only tissue paper thin at the moment but it’s something to build on. It won’t be destroyed, it may be screwed up, torn at the edges, scorched but it won’t be destroyed. I’ll find a way to add another layer to it.
Whilst my sense of self worth may not be there, my sense of not being beaten has flared up a bit again. So, if that’s my only motivating force for today then I’ll go with it. I’ll have to find a way to work on the rest.