The day after lunch with A Ana’s familiar voice started whispering but this time I found that I could just about drown her out.
To start the new week I lay in bed and decided that I’d give up weighing myself daily. I use the number on the scales to determine my mood, my feeling of worth, my sense of achievement, my confidence. I use it to decide what food I will ‘treat’ myself with or deny myself.
As the day went on I felt increasingly lost and terrified. How was I ever going to be able to make a decision? What have I got if I haven’t got the scales to give me my sense of achievement? How can I judge myself, my progress? How can I be?? I bought some Yoga videos and decided that I needed to do more exercise. Of course, this was a control mechanism. If I couldn’t check that my weight wasn’t going up then I’d have to do everything possible to ensure that it wouldn’t.
Over the last couple of days this misplaced control mechanism has spiraled out of control.
The next morning I tucked myself into bed with Mum and confessed that I couldn’t decide what to have for breakfast. I felt like my usual breakfast, which I love and have never been concerned about before, but I kept thinking that porridge would be the safer, healthier option. The magnitude of this decision was overwhelming me. Normally, I’d have tousled with it then hopped on the scales and made my decision from the reading. But, I was on a self-imposed scales ban!
Mum offered to have breakfast with me and we talked it through. We acknowledged that this was Ana making me doubt myself again.
I had porridge. I gave in to Ana. Without checking the scales, I couldn’t risk the alternative breakfast choice and possible weight gain. For the record, the alternative choice isn’t a full English, it’s just toast and marmite!
Ana’s voice has grown in decibels and screamed at me on Tuesday after a conversation with one of my best friends. I won’t go into the conversation here or my actions afterwards but they were extreme and they were all Ana. She took me over completely and literally trod me into a weeping ball on the bathroom floor.
Since then, she’s kept her voice there. My dreams last night were laced with Ana’s poison.
I told Mum this morning that I absolutely 100% don’t want to put on weight.
I cannot see any reason whatsoever for doing it. I don’t believe I am worth a place in my life or the world. I don’t believe I have anything to give. If I disappeared, I wouldn’t leave a hole.