I haven’t cried in months. I don’t know why, I just haven’t been able to.
Today, however, I was moved to tears by the words heading this post:
I just want to be happy.
They were said in a message to me by someone I don’t know and with whom I’m only in contact with via twitter; but they touched me so profoundly.
How many of us want a bigger house, new clothes, the latest gadget, more money, a better pension? I used to want those things too and, of course, still do. However, I know their relative worth because they are now set in the context of my deepest desire: to be happy. I’ll have that over and above anything else.
Happiness to me means a quiet mind. I so crave the peace that simple inner contentment brings. I’ve been fortunate that I have felt it in the past so I know it is possible.
My mind now is awash with a million conflicting thoughts and emotions constantly zapping around vying for dominance. I feel constantly confused and unsure. I don’t know which thoughts are real. On very rare occasions something tugs deep inside me and I feel a twinge of the old me and I know that’s real. But on a daily basis, I’m walking around with the thickest of fogs clouding my mind.
I’ve been to the darkest of places; places that were icy cold with a toxic air that sucked the very life out of me. I don’t want to go back there.
The only thing that keeps me going now is the the fear of falling into that abyss again. Every day, to varying degrees, is a battle. I may not be taking big steps forward, I may be shuffling along at a snail’s pace and some days I’m standing still. But, I’m not going backwards. I never want to go backwards. I never want to seek ‘comfort’ in Ana’s deathly vice like grip.
I just want to be happy. I just want a quiet mind.
The only way for me to get that is to keep slogging away. It’s to rebuild a healthy body and with that a healthy mind. It’s to accept myself for all that I am and forget about whatever I’m not. It’s to end the routine of self-torture and simply let myself be who I am in the moment that I’m in.
When I achieve that, and I say ‘when’ because I do not want to live in this fog forever, I will never ever take it for granted. I will know how precious it is, I will cherish every peaceful moment and know that the trying moments will pass because I am strong enough to see my way through them.
To the young lady whose words inspired this post, please dig deep inside you and do everything you can to slowly walk back from the edge of the abyss. Happiness doesn’t live there. You won’t be walking alone, I’m walking that path with you and you have the people around you who love and care for you.