I Just Want To Be Happy

Published 21 October, 2012 by ladyem83

I haven’t cried in months.  I don’t know why, I just haven’t been able to.

Today, however, I was moved to tears by the words heading this post:

I just want to be happy.

They were said in a message to me by someone I don’t know and with whom I’m only in contact with via twitter; but they touched me so profoundly.

How many of us want a bigger house, new clothes, the latest gadget, more money, a better pension?  I used to want those things too and, of course, still do. However, I know their relative worth because they are now set in the context of my deepest desire:  to be happy.  I’ll have that over and above anything else.

Happiness to me means a quiet mind.  I so crave the peace that simple inner contentment brings.  I’ve been fortunate that I have felt it in the past so I know it  is possible.

My mind now is awash with a million conflicting thoughts and emotions constantly zapping around vying for dominance.  I feel constantly confused and unsure.  I don’t know which thoughts are real.  On very rare occasions something tugs deep inside me and I feel a twinge of the old me and I know that’s real.  But on a daily basis, I’m walking around with the thickest of fogs clouding my mind.

I’ve been to the darkest of places; places that were icy cold with a toxic air that sucked the very life out of me.  I don’t want to go back there.

The only thing that keeps me going now is the the fear of falling into that abyss again.  Every day, to varying degrees, is a battle.  I may not be taking big steps forward, I may be shuffling along at a snail’s pace and some days I’m standing still.  But, I’m not going backwards.  I never want to go backwards.  I never want to seek ‘comfort’ in Ana’s deathly vice like grip.

I just want to be happy.  I just want a quiet mind.

The only way for me to get that is to keep slogging away.  It’s to rebuild a healthy body and with that a healthy mind.  It’s to accept myself for all that I am and forget about whatever I’m not.  It’s to end the routine of self-torture and simply let myself be who I am in the moment that I’m in.

When I achieve that, and I say ‘when’ because I do not want to live in this fog forever, I will never ever take it for granted.  I will know how precious it is, I will cherish every peaceful moment and know that the trying moments will pass because I am strong enough to see my way through them.

To the young lady whose words inspired this post, please dig deep inside you and do everything you can to slowly walk back from the edge of the abyss.  Happiness doesn’t live there.  You won’t be walking alone, I’m walking that path with you and you have the people around you who love and care for you.


5 comments on “I Just Want To Be Happy

    • Hi Laura

      Thank you for your kind comments and for taking the time to read. I get strength from knowing I’m not the only person with these thoughts and feelings. Ok, it doesn’t make them go away but on my darkest days I know there’s someone else who knows how it feels. I trust that we will both find our way, in our own time to the light.

      Very best wishes.

  • Those six words are my mantra and something that I want and WILL achieve. It’s a long, slow, hard slog though isn’t it. I some times feel like it’s one step forwards and two steps back but it’s a journey I will not give up on.

    Thank you for the lovely post.

  • Feel free to comment here.

    Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

    WordPress.com Logo

    You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

    Google+ photo

    You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

    Twitter picture

    You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

    Facebook photo

    You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


    Connecting to %s

    Solitude, Reading and Tea

    Lovingly updated by an odd History-loving bookworm

    Healthy is happy.

    Fighting anorexia for my life back.

    A day at a time

    "A journey of a thousand miles, begins with a single step"

    The Depressed Moose

    Detailing my battle with depression while trying to inspire others at the same time


    Therapy Tips to Self Improve & Feel Better About Your Life

    Balancing the Fs

    my journey to balance Food Fitness Fun and Finances

    Make-Up & Mirtazapine

    The crazy girl's guide to life...

    The life of a Daddy with mental illness.

    Being a Dad is hard. Being a Dad with mental illness is even harder. This is my life laid bare for you all to read.

    Nut Job is my middle name

    "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself"

    Individual Thought Patterns

    A Single Mum's Journey to Medical School


    The ponderings of Natpops


    Savoring yoga & intuitive eating. Come join the journey.

    Baking as Therapy

    Recipes, musings and ideas- plus ' how to' tutorials

    Natpops Mental Health Blog

    A WordPress.com site

    Lisa's Dreams

    Where little dreams turn big

    Living with Lightness

    Holistic Health Coaching ~ Nourishing Yourself Inside & Out

    Who Would Have Thought The Tiny Courageous?

    Thoughts from the mind of a tiny man waging an unseen war.

    The Dawn Report

    Dawn O'Porter

    %d bloggers like this: