Tomorrow is my 30th birthday. Am I ‘over the hill’? I bloody well hope so!
The hill being this hard slog from rock bottom to the vantage point from where I stand now.
So, what do I see when I look ahead now? Well, there’s a vast landscape ahead of me. I can see the green pastures where my dreams lie, the hard, rocky ground which I will no doubt have to traverse at various points. The sky is blue and the sun is shining but, of course, there are clouds. I know there will be days, weeks, who knows how long, when the sun will be obscured and I’ll be trying to trek my way through muddy grounds. I don’t doubt that there will be times when I want to just run into the nearest dark cave and hide there. Maybe it’s OK if I do that because, I now believe that the sun will slowly peak through the clouds again and entice me out. More importantly, I’ll want to come out, hold my head high to its rays and bask in them.
This landscape perhaps seems ‘normal’ to you but a year ago I didn’t/couldn’t see anything but suffocating, toxic smog.
A couple of days ago I hoped on the scales and was disappointed to see the number, which I thought was too much. However, once dressed I looked in the mirror and what I saw I thought was OK. That’s somewhat unnerving for me. Should I feel like that? Do I deserve to be proud of myself? Well, I say, yes, I do. This isn’t a fist thumping determined yes, it’s spoken a little softly with a slight questioning inflection but it’s still a yes!
I haven’t been on the scales for a few days now and I don’t want to. Not because I’m scared of the number, but because I’m just so tired of being a slave to it. I’m so tired of thinking about food, restricting, counting, calculating. There must be so many other things with which I can occupy my mind and my attention other than that. What have I been missing out on?!
I’m not going to dwell on that. I firmly believe things happen for a reason and I will take every lesson I can from them and move forward.
I’ve still got a way to go, more in terms of addressing certain of my behaviours and beliefs which aren’t helpful. But, I’m seeing a therapist and doing the thing I hate the most; opening myself up. Well, I’m starting to, or am willing to at least.
There are so many things I know I need to do and which I’m pretty scared of doing as I’ve built one hell of a thick wall around myself. But it really is time to strip some of those layers back. Brick by brick and slowly but for the better.
So here’s saying goodbye to my twenties, thanks for the lessons learnt and hello to my thirties and, who knows what!