Excuse me the indulgence of a further post today.
My last post, ‘A Game of Patience’ explains what the last few days have been like; dark and lonely.
I’ve spent the last hour or so searching for scientific research articles to explain this disease. What am I looking for; a cure, a step-by-step guide to recovery? I want to understand the beast that lurks in the dark places in my mind and continues to torment me. I thought that I was Ana but that’s not the case.
Just as a group of haywire cells divide and form a malignant tumour which invades an otherwise healthy body, a part of my brain malfunctioned on some level and anorexia developed and forced its way into my mind. The degrees to which I invited it, permitted its presence and colluded with it are something that only I can try to work out. However, Carrie Arnold’s book, ‘Decoding Anorexia’ is now on my Amazon wish list is a research guide!
It’s different now, I don’t want to be Ana’s victim. I have chosen not to follow Ana’s ways and yet she’s still hanging on.
However, despite her persistence, I want to let her know and those who read this and perhaps are fighting a similar battle, that our small victories must not be overlooked:
I eat. I even eat chocolate, cashew nuts and…haggis! Not in one sitting, not frequently and not in great amounts but I know that I can!
I recognise when I’m hungry and I’m generally not afraid to feed my body.
I can leap in the air! This formed part of one of my exercise DVDs and only a few months ago I didn’t have the strength to jump up.
I wear clothes, I fill them out. Clothes no longer hang from me. Yes, this scares me but I will continue to tell myself that it is healthy.
I can read. My ability to concentrate has returned and I can now sit and read a book without rereading the same paragraph several times.
I have a growing sense of myself again. I haven’t got it all back and I don’t like that I lost it along the way but I am finding myself again.
I can run! I have to be in the mood but my legs feel strong and I feel energy running through them.
I laugh, I feel, I enjoy. Undeniably the most precious and which should never, ever be taken for granted.
So, although when Ana hits me, she hits me hard, I must not overlook where I am now. I must not forget how far I’ve come. This is why I have to keep going.
These and many others are the carrots being dangled in front of me and this recovering anorexic is hungry for them all!